first off, i have to apologise to my dearest freda for not being able to fetch you from the airport and have dinner as planned. some shit happened at home, so i had no choice at all. but, remember, breakfast at nine tomorrow!! haha.

well, today sucked. firstly, i woke up late, and got a good car-ridelong lecture from my father when he saw me waiting for a cab. then, when i finally reached school, class just ended, a good 40 minutes early! so i was, pissed. then when i reached home, so much trouble boiled, and for the first time, in quite some time, i saw my elder brother cry. and, no, it's not because of ns. well, it's all thanks to my dearest father. cause of him, not only was my elder brother reduced to tears, but so was my sister. well, i don't needa say bout me. anyways, can't you just leave him alone, he's just going to ns for goodness sake! i mean, can't you just give him some peace before he leaves? then, he went on threatening my sister and i and threatened to slap her. HELLO! gosh man. he is such a fucking bastard. i know, the advice i've given to others turn to crap here. i know it's like at the end of the day, the only ones that you really have is your family, but, ya know what, i can choose which family members i want right? i don't need the whole shitload. i mean not now. gosh. this is really infuriating.

i mean, at home, somehow, i live in fear. ya know. i have never argued back, tho i wanted to so much, cause i know i will be in their presence much longer if i actually did and some other reasons. i mean, in my mind, all the comebacks are there, but, it's just not spoken. it's like, i runaway to my room, or some other place in the house once they're back home. i'm also scared of just asking them whether i can go out, or if i need some money. and even if i did, i know their answers and sometimes, i literally have to beg. i've tried, ya know, just to accept, to be understanding, but they are just being unreasonable. but, sometime soon, i know, i'm going to blow.

i've gave up long ago, at least i think i did. i want.. i don't know what i want now.. but, somehow, i'm always hurt by them, and what they say, those little thoughtless things they say. tho i said that i've forgiven, but i know, that deep down, some part of me hasn't. i know that inside, there is this little girl inside of me, hoping for the best, for that perfect little family, those that she saw in those disney classics and movies and in fairytales. she's just daddy's little girl, yearning for his approval, for his acceptance, for who she really is.

manda.